i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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