How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i think i have two assholes
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
