you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
