Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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