I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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