Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Even my vagina gasped.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
