i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She's like a pop up book from hell.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
