i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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