If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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