My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
