You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I could make wine with my vomit
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
