just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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