There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
