Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
