his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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