Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
