so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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