If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize