i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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