i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
