the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
