I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
