he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My cat gives me a boner
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
