my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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