he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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