Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
