I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
