Just took my morning after pill in the library
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
