when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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