Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
