Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize