I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
