I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Randomize