Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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