it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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