I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
