In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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