Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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