You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
