You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
