I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He shit in the fireplace
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
