My liver just broke up with me...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
