fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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