I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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