How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize