Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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