you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Houston, we have a blender
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
