pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
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