Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
