turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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