Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
