She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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