Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The adults are the big ones right?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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