Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
