I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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