Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
