my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
