Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
