Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
