Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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